HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!
Happy 4th of July!
So for all my good intentions after the last post, I didn’t do anything towards building my blog in the past couple of days. Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
The following is my main excuse: Between Saturday and Sunday, we drove about 1,600km. We had taken our kids to the beach for our summer family vacation. Due to the fact that flight tickets for six people cost a lot of money, we elected to pack up the back of the Q7 and drive ourselves. Our kids are now used to that, and we mostly drive overnight. I’m a night owl and my partner is a morning lark, so the drive is usually well-shared without much necessary discussion. Actually, our lives are usually well-shared without much discussion. When soulmates meet, the need for speech ceases to exist. From the very start, James and I have often communicated without ever uttering a word. In the beginning, it was sometimes scary; I felt like he could read my mind and that can be threatening, depending on your thoughts. At the exact same time though, it was oddly comforting.
In my marriage, I had to often spell everything out. And that’s not because my husband didn’t care or because he was a bad person – he was my best friend, after all. Just the best friend that you have to explain things to, because oh sure, in Kindergarten, when you became best friends, you both had the same Hello Kitty backpacks and really really liked playing Lego together. But by High School, you also enjoyed hanging out with your other friends and had gotten into sports, and now you constantly had to explain to your best friend from Kindergarten that she should find someone else with whom to play chess because you were already meeting another friend for a tennis match. “Sorry, our interests don’t match up anymore. But we should meet up for dinner later, because we both still like Thai Food.”
I DON’T DO SUBTLETIES
Sometime in the very beginning of our marriage, my ex-husband told me that he doesn’t do subtleties. So, over the course of 15 years, I changed my wording, from cute hints to pleas, to outright commands. And I’m terrible at asking for help or delegating tasks; let alone commanding someone to do something outright. I started off by saying things like, “Babe, look at those pictures there… do you think we should frame them and hang them up over the couch maybe?” Any woman will understand the exact meaning of those words, right? I want you to frame those pictures and then hammer some nails into the plaster wall without damaging the wall and hang up the pictures. A few years later, I moved the framed pictures next to the buffet because they were in the way. A few years after that, I asked his Dad or mine to hang some of them. I no longer kept a honey-do-list; I had a Daddy-do-list going.
I moved out of my Ex’s house a year and a half ago and took the framed pictures that had been sitting on the floor in the living room for years with me. When I asked James to please hang them up for me, he stood up, got the hammer and nails, and the pictures were on the wall. After James and I started dating, I ordered some more art for my new house. The package arrived and I showed him the art. He asked where I would like it and we discussed it briefly. The next day, while I was at work, a magic fairy came by and hung all four of the pictures. This was the kind of relationship I had seen my parents have; the kind of relationship I had envisioned when I got married. The woman does the womanly stuff (cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc.) while the man does the manly stuff; i.e. the stuff involving tools of any kind. Call me old-fashioned, but I refuse to pick up a hammer and end up with a bruised fingernail if there is a manly guy around, just as much as I cannot imagine asking a guy to do multiple loads of laundry because my bras need a gentler cycle than his shorts. Should the guy ASK to do my laundry, by all means. However, I will never jump to first in line for hanging drywall, so the pendulum really only swings one way in my book, lol.
So tonight, James and I (sans kids as it was the other parents’ turn to have them for this holiday) went to watch fireworks. As we are leaving the house, I mumble something along the lines of “we should really turn off this light in the entrance way before we leave so bugs don’t come in with us when we return.” My next thought was completely and only in my head, I swear to God, “Hmmm, maybe we should take bug spray with us, or maybe I should put it on now, prophylactically.”
Startled, I looked over at James, who was just picking the OFF-spray off the shelf and placed it in the front seat. Huh? What just happened (other than that this perfect soulmate of mine read my mind – yet again!)?
I rest my case…
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
I’ve seen a lot of pinterest pins lately (and articles, too) that have little lists on what to look for in the guy you will marry. The last point in two of the lists I read just this week says, “But above all, marry the one who’s your best friend!!!” Three exclamation marks! I say, “Don’t!” I did marry my best friend. But, especially in the anglo-saxon corners of this world, best friends seem to come in multiples. Some of my friends have a facebook ‘friends’ list that’s a mile long, and then some more ‘friends’ who just happen to not have facebook. Polygamy is outlawed in many states. You can’t marry everyone who’s your best friend. You’d have to marry several times in your lifetime. I bet you that the one who was your “Bestie” in Kindergarten has long found different “Besties” and you’ve grown apart a while ago.
No, I say, “Marry the one who gets you! And who still respects you, even if he disagrees.”
Because, if you are getting married in your twenties, you will go through many more changes as life goes on – if he doesn’t GET YOU; if he doesn’t understand your very soul which doesn’t (shouldn’t) change, explaining yourself time and time again, only to be met with disbelief and misunderstanding, is tiresome and can lead you down the path of divorce more quickly than you can say, “marriage counseling.”
HAPPY 4TH OF JULY – IN THE NAME OF FREEDOM TO CHANGE AND GROW WITH SOMEONE WHO GETS YOU!
When Soulmates Meet…
…the need for speech ceases to exist.They need no words, no explanations, no arguments.
Only looks because there is deep, untold understanding from day One, and the eyes are the windows to the soul.
Ashley@Shakenstirredandblended
Hi, I'm Ashley and I am a freelance writer and editor for one local and one national publication. In my spare time, I teach foreign languages and manage two households. Oh, and raise four children. It's a crazy life that I chose and I love every second of it :o)
