Why I Can Never Be Sure If My Better Half’s Family Like Me
Preface: Over the course of my “dating career”, I have been in relationships much longer than I probably should have because I really liked his parents, siblings, grandparents, etc. Including my marriage. My Ex-husband is a sweet, intelligent, but hopelessly chaotic human being, and way too disorganized and johnny-come-lately for me. I should have known that this would drive me crazy from the get-go. I wasn’t the most punctual person either when we met, but – until the flight to our wedding in 2002 – I had actually missed a train ONCE when I was 15. It was in Neuss and I was supposed to meet a girlfriend to go shopping in Düsseldorf, but I was kissing my new boyfriend on the platform and the train was closing its doors before I could hop on. I had to wait 15 minutes for the next one and, since this was before cellphones, my tardiness definitely got me into a bit of a pickle with my friend. But when my Ex-husband made us too late to check-in for our plane to our own wedding, I probably should have read the writing on the wall. But everyone was going to be there and I really really loved his family and my parents were flying in from Europe, and… well, we booked another ticket and took Southwest instead of Delta and got married anyway. Then he made me wait again for the kids that I wanted to have so much. The waiting game extended into all areas of life; even a tranquil Sunday morning outing with the kids would become a battle by noon, when we still hadn’t left our house and the kids started getting crabby because they needed to be fed again and nap (I know, the nerve!). 13 years and 2 kids later, I started being done waiting. The rest of the story you can read here:
Fast forward to today and I am staying in this relationship because I love this man and his children, despite his family and ex-wife. I don’t deal well with feeling rejected (as in it doesn’t make me want to come back for more of that feeling; possibly why I never made any real money in sales), and there are very few people in James’ life that appreciate me for who I am. Mainly me being unapologetically me – European, liberal education, complete with its concurring viewpoints and arrogance. Luckily, James does appreciate all these things in me, partially because he has it all himself – good looks, intelligence, character, and a good heart. Therefore, he doesn’t feel the need to try to make himself seem superior to me. Unlike people who have very little confidence in themselves and who will always try to put someone down to build themselves up. Enter – and subsequently – exit, for example, his ex-wife. As long as I can stay inside our house with him and pretend-play happy first marriage with four kids, life could not be any better. But a few times since we’ve started living together in August, his ex did something and an argument between us ensued. I do realize that’s very common in blended families, so I’m not worried about his ex – if I had walked out on James and now regretted it, then saw how much happier he is in his new relationship, I wouldn’t like me much either. What completely bewilders me is that his father and step-mother don’t always seem to like me. Why can’t they see how happy their son is? I’m not expecting them to thank me for not treating him and his children as poorly as his ex did, but I also wasn’t prepared to be chided for encouraging him to speak up for himself when his ex tries to walk all over him or when his parents hurt his feelings by helping her out when they wouldn’t offer the same to us in a similar circumstance.
Having grown up mostly as everybody’s darling did not prepare me for what I have experienced with James’ family in the last year. When we were “just dating”, they seemed fine, even though there were a few comments/complaints here and there about how they didn’t see their grandkids as much as they used to. Evidently, for many years, the kids were all too often just dropped off at the grandparents’ house for the weekend, so that the parents could each go and do their own thing as their marriage crumbled. Or so I’ve been told. My Ex-husband and I never had any family in town, so we always had our kids; hence, planning weekend activities with four kids instead of two just blended in seamlessly for me and James’ parents were at first surprised, then annoyed, and finally outright hurt by the fact that his children were no longer staying with them on any weekend. It was almost like they were going through all the stages of grief, as it must have seemed to them like I was intentionally keeping the kids from them as I instituted new family rules as far as eating and taking care of things and each other was concerned. So not only did they not get to see the kids every week; when they did get to see them, they were all of a sudden eating vegetables and being well-mannered at the table, but didn’t immediately rush to electronics and played together instead for a while. What seemed to me like a century-long transformation and to James like a lot of hard work, must have – in the grandparents’ eyes – seemed like we just introduced them to completely different children each time they saw them.
All of this I can only surmise, as my better half comes from a family who doesn’t seem to talk about their feelings, or argue anything out at all. In Europe, we argue over everything – and it’s really only a sport, not a fight.
Ashley@Shakenstirredandblended
Hi, I'm Ashley and I am a freelance writer and editor for one local and one national publication. In my spare time, I teach foreign languages and manage two households. Oh, and raise four children. It's a crazy life that I chose and I love every second of it :o)
