The Hardest Day Of These Corona Times
Let me start this post off by saying, “No, none of us has been diagnosed with COVID19 and neither does anyone even have symptoms.” This is not to be a post where I think my life is any worse than that of millions of people out there, especially during 2020. This is just probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do during this and it has been impacting me so much that I want to share. It also might help anyone who is in a similar situation with a blended family, where kids have to travel between different houses.
Last Sunday evening I have had to make the difficult decision to send one of our children back to his other parent. Right after he got dropped off, the 10-year-old told me how his dad took him to an indoor skate park, but how they could only stay for an hour because most people weren’t wearing masks there. “But we were wearing ours, so don’t worry, Maman”, he tells me. Well, with Covid cases on the rise, especially in the Midwest, it was unfathomable to me how my ex thought that going there was in any way a smart decision! I asked the 13-year-old if she went and was told she had stayed home.
After James and I deliberated this, I called my ex and asked him to come and get my son. He is currently quarantined at his father’s house, while my daughter is quarantined here. My son and I had a heart-wrenching conversation about how he should never have gone to any indoor fun facility; he cried, I cried, we held each other, and then I continued crying for most of the night. Not only did I feel guilty for sending my baby away; I felt ashamed for having left his father in the first place because it was the reason I was unable to protect my child that particular weekend from potentially having contracted a deadly disease, all while simultaneously feeling distressed over knowing, with absolute certainty, that James has made me happier than I would have ever been able to be with my ex, even if he had tried harder. More about this happiness in another post; as long as I can’t be sure that my baby is healthy and Covid-free, this guilty feeling unfortunately still overshadows my happiness and general rosy disposition.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling guilty and sorry for myself, it really really helps to direct the anger I’m feeling towards others, instead of myself where it rightfully belongs. Here is a list of why I’m angry at myself:
- I am angry because my ex has taken my son from me during our vacation provision with his action.
- We have had the three others here since last Wednesday and they are staying through Thanksgiving and I am angry that my son is missing out on our family time.
- I am angry because I feel guilty for having had a rough time with my son lately, during which I have had to repeatedly tell him, “I love you no matter what, because you are my son. But you are not very likable right now.” (He’s been going through a phase lately… *insert eye roll here*.)
- I am angry because I am envisioning worst-case scenarios like him getting Covid and me not being able to ever see him again…
- I am angry because I am worried.
- I am angry because I am angry.
- I am angry because nobody in our blended house has been able to truly enjoy our time together, partially because we all feel the 10-year-old’s absence and partially because everyone can feel my anger somewhat.
Going out for walks with my son helps. Going running and physically exhausting myself is usually my go-to for combatting angry feelings, but that is currently not a good choice, due to it causing me physical pain. I have gone twice now and three times, I was able to walk to the park or playground with him. I really like him during our one-on-one time; he’s super-sweet and I don’t have to break up any fights between the siblings; fights which he himself often starts.
Then I start wondering if this isn’t a blessing in disguise of sorts and whether I should be thankful to my ex for having taken our son to this potentially dangerous place? What if I needed to take the time to spend with my baby alone? Time that I never get at our house, because a) the days are short and everyone needs my attention and b) my son doesn’t want or need me as much there because he has three other kids to play with (or annoy)?
What if I just turned the ending of this into a positive and grateful post again?
Excuse me, while I go get ready for bed now, where I will most likely lie awake for the next couple of hours and ruminate… *insert another eye roll here*
Good night.
Ashley@Shakenstirredandblended
Hi, I'm Ashley and I am a freelance writer and editor for one local and one national publication. In my spare time, I teach foreign languages and manage two households. Oh, and raise four children. It's a crazy life that I chose and I love every second of it :o)
