What I’ve Learned NOT to do from the Ex-Wife
Last month, my son competed in his very last kids triathlon, a tradition that James and I started with the kids when we met back in 2017. My last “original” bio-child is aging out of being eligible for kids races this year and it is a bittersweet transition for me, as James’ last “original” one can still compete in it for 2 more years and our blended child won’t be eligible for another 3 years.
But this blog post isn’t about my melancholy or how our children are getting older.
I felt really happy after that triathlon. And not just because the kid killed it and won a medal.
I truly enjoyed spending time with my Ex’s girlfriend and her family, while we were cheering on each other’s kiddos. Yes, it IS possible to not feel threatened by the Ex’s new love, even if your kids really like her! And here I will readily admit that I did not like when my daughter told me the week before her first High School dance, “Dad’s girlfriend already took me shopping and we found a dress and shoes.” I explained that, while that was nice of the girlfriend, I had been really looking forward to taking her and “maaayyybe”, I had to throw in a comment on how I really didn’t like the dress, but I absolutely did not hold it against the girlfriend. She didn’t have to take my child shopping in the first place, and my daughter was happy with her choice. James’ ex has been serving as an excellent example for how not to react these past seven years, and I am grateful that I was prepared to first encourage my daughter to like the girlfriend for taking her shopping and then openly have the conversation that I would have liked to have been included. Maybe next time.
For the past seven years now, James and I have found ourselves on opposite sides of the races, fields, audiences, and parent support tents of any and all games, shows or races his children have been in. Opposite from James’ ex, her partner and parents, and occasionally even James’ own parents. I remember one of my stepson’s first soccer games I attended, and we had to sit with all the parents from the opposing team, just to avoid crossing the ex and her entourage. I was really only there to support the kid and his father, whose own parents happened to be sitting with the ex-in-laws. It was… WEIRD. So weird, in fact, that James’ ex-FIL actually came up to talk with me after the game. He made a few comments about how “it’s all about the kids” and “James is a good guy”, and we each went on our merry ways. I instantly liked him. Unfortunately, he passed away this last Christmas. But he truly was one of my favorites of all of James’ “baggage”. The man was kind to me. Not all of all the people in James’ family and ex-family were, certainly not when we first met. I’m sure that’s partially due to me being “the second wife” and mostly due to me being me. I’ve been told I’m intimidating to some. I’m guessing that’s mostly because I am unapologetically me. Some people don’t like me precisely for that reason. Those people are not my people.
This morning marked the first kids’ event that my Ex’s girlfriend attended. They’ve been together for about a year and I’ve met her a few times, but we have never been at any event together for an extended period of time. My son, who has been through these past 7 years of perceived rivalry and open hostility between bio-parents and step-parents on our side of his family, actually UN-invited me to his event a week ago, citing that >this is a thing I’m doing with Dad and “insert GF’s name” and her family<. Which, of course, I wasn’t having any of – after all, James and I had started this triathlon tradition with our children and we weren’t about to miss his last one! So we went.
My Ex and his girlfriend were there and the only reason we sat on opposite sides of the pool was because James and I got there a little late. My Ex’s girlfriend’s niece was also competing and she and her mother are just as lovely as my Ex’s girlfriend is. The kids had a great time together and the whole experience for me was diametrically opposed to any experience we’ve ever had on the other side. I think James walked away twice because he just couldn’t grasp how easy-going this was. My Ex introduced me to his girlfriend’s SIL (and her dog LOL) while the niece transitioned from swimming to the bike. His girlfriend introduced herself to our toddler and handed her a cowbell to cheer on her big brother in his last kids triathlon. Everyone was friendly and, even if there were any bad vibes (which I’m usually excellent at picking up and I didn’t notice any), all the adults were truly there to support the kids. Just as it should be.
Would I have been just as nice to my Ex and all of his new family had it not been for how James’ ex treated me in the past 7 years? I’d like to think that I would have. And, truthfully, the answer is probably yes. I have run into guys I’ve dated back home at events years later and we all maturely introduced each other to whomever we’re with, exchanged pleasantries, on occasion even hung out for an afternoon over coffee, and then proceeded not to see each other for ten more years. Life goes on; why hold a grudge and go out of your way to not get along? Adulting requirements.
Due to how James’ ex and a few others have made me feel over the past 7 years, I am hyper-conscious of how I treat my Ex’s girlfriends. Luckily, my ex-husband seems to have stuck with the same type – the ones I’ve met are sweet and caring, and they seem smart. They’ve obviously treated my kids well, because my kids always liked them.
Here are the things we did today that I would like to think contributed to the event’s success and me having such warm feelings about my Ex’s girlfriend:
- We walked into the venue and up to the event, even though we were late. I could’ve stayed outside and waited for my son to finish the swim event and cheered him on while he ran towards his bike. But that doesn’t serve anybody as you may still have to interact with the ex at some point or another.
- I stopped and talked with my kid and made it a point to acknowledge the kids around him, knowing that my Ex’s girlfriend’s niece was doing the triathlon as well. I didn’t know what she looked like, but I would NEVER want a child to feel unwanted due to an adult problem. Even if there isn’t an actual problem between adults – my Ex and we get along just fine, but oftentimes, people assume there should be because you used to be a couple. And honestly, more often than not, they are right. I remember very well how crushed my kids were when James’ children told them how much their mother hated them. This was when James and I first started dating. She taught me that children are the ones who get hurt the most and I never wanted to be that person, so I took the time to at least smile and/or say good luck to every single child gathered at the start line that made eye contact with me.
- Once we were settled in on the sidelines, James noticed my Ex and his girlfriend, so we both waived and acknowledged them. I cannot even count the times James and I have been to an event for his children and we walked out when it was over, never having even exchanged so much as a glance with anyone remotely connected to his ex there.
- I then texted my Ex and asked him which one his girlfriend’s niece was, so I could appropriately encourage and support her as well.
- After swimming was over, we all met up outside and yelled our “good job, keep going, you got this, etc.” at the kids together. I found myself absolutely adoring my Ex’s girlfriend’s niece – she’s 13 or younger (because that’s the age they cut kids off from the kids triathlon in our town), but that girl has the confidence of a young lady and will go places! I’m here to support her as much as my own son – I’ve said before and will say it again (and again and again): Kids cannot have enough loving and supportive adults in their lives! It breaks my heart that James’ Ex isn’t allowing me to show up and support my step-kids as much as I would like to, but I’ll be damned to not try to love any child that is related to anyone my Ex-husband is involved with!
I am truly grateful for all the life lessons I’ve received from James’ ex-wife in these past 7 years, because it makes me hyper-aware of children’s feelings. I can be a nicer mother and step-mother, and, yes, a much nicer ex-wife.
Ashley@Shakenstirredandblended
Hi, I'm Ashley and I am a freelance writer and editor for one local and one national publication. In my spare time, I teach foreign languages and manage two households. Oh, and raise four children. It's a crazy life that I chose and I love every second of it :o)
